Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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