There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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