Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
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They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize