There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
