So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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