I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I deserve this hangover.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
