He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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