So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
