You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
