We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
