we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
