Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
