using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
