it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
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stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
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I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
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