Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
