I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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