Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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