After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Randomize
