Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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