Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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