Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
