I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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