all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
