I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
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