we have pet lesbian snakes
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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