Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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