... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
