some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
