Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
