Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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