I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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