Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
