Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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