If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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