My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
