No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Randomize
