theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
