dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
