Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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