Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
