im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
BRING THE BAGELS
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Randomize
