also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Randomize
