I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
