she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
