his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
