Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
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