Your dad touched me again.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
