my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
