I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Holy sore nipples Batman
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