I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
