I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
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