I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?