Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
