I wish I only lived at night.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
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In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
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I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
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