3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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